Monday, May 26, 2014


When I figured I was probably pregnant, I carefully did not tell Erik. I'd never had a chance to do a big reveal with pregnancy before, so I relished the chance to do so now.

It was just before Valentine's Day, so I bought a tin at Dollar Tree and made two pairs of booties. I drew a family tree with one branch for Erik and I, and one for each of the kids. Each tree got a heart with a name on it, and I drew an extra heart under mine. I put all of these things, and a pregnancy test, in the tin and gave it to Erik just before Valentine's Day, because I couldn't wait any longer.

Before putting a pregnancy announcement on Facebook, I made a little black and white baby cap. My announcement was a newborn picture of each baby in a hat, and the new cap, with 'Coming Soon' written on it in place of the name on the other pictures.

I've since made two more pairs of booties, two woolen diaper covers, and started but not finished several projects. There are two sweaters, one knit shirt, one knit pair of pants, one pair of tube socks, two hats...

I bought a few fitted diapers, including newborn sized. I bought several things at Goodwill. I bought probably a dozen skeins of yarn to make more baby things. Erik bought me more yarn for the same reason.

We bought a full-size van, a 12-seater, since all eight of us would not fit in the seven-person Durango.

One one of the trips to Goodwill aimed at finding baby clothes, I found the frame for a toddler bed. We bought this and a mattress and have been working on transitioning Marie from our bed to the toddler bed so that we would have room for the new baby in our own bed.

Suddenly, none of this matters. I cannot bring myself to finish even the February Baby Sweater that was a goal project before I ever got pregnant. The diapers are uselessly small. The van now seems ridiculously large and impractical. There's no real reason to make Marie sleep on her own. All of it, all of it now strikes me as useless. Pointless. Relics of some other time, some other dream.

And that I have to give these things up makes me immeasurably sad.

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