Friday, May 29, 2015
You know what gets me?
This gets me.
Not this room in particular; it's just a photo I found using GIS. It's birthing rooms that get me. Pictures of birthing rooms.
I labored for a while with Psalm, in a normal birthing room similar to where I had Esther, and Doug (Marie's wasn't half as nice). The room was filled with the comforting sound of her heartbeat, a good 140+ BPM that never hesitated. My little warrior.
But that was the only normal part. I looked at that little warmer and I knew she wouldn't lie in it. And when the word that I would indeed have a c-section came down, I knew I'd never again be in one of these rooms.
Now and again hospital photos crop up on Facebook. Lots of pictures of babies in warmers. And it's like a punch in the gut. There are no longer good associations with those. They have them in ORs, of course, but it is different when your child is removed from you versus when you push them out.
My first two births were c-sections. And it was important to me to know that I could do things the "right" way, the normal way. And I did, because my body really does know its shit.
But with Psalm my body failed me. Failed to make her right. Failed to birth her right. And will not be allowed to birth the others right. Her surgical birth was necessary, but it was still a failure in my lizard brain because frankly her birth could be nothing else since she would not live long after. Trauma on top of trauma, and I will no longer be able to reclaim things.
So I see these pictures and they make me profoundly sad, but it is difficult to explain to most people. The room and the warmer represent the trappings of normal birth. Doug's birth was finally everything I wanted--100% unmedicated mostly hands-off. And I thought I was going to get to build on that. And it all went to shit. I never expected, even when I was in that room looking at my surroundings knowing it was the last time I would be in such a place even if it was not my last birth, that in the future I would find my grief triggered by the most innocuous photos, but there you go.