Getting through

You do whatever you can to get through the holidays.

For whatever reason, not being able to buy Psalm gifts was bothering me.  It occurred to me, though, that I could actually buy them, I just couldn't give them to her.  I'm donating other things in her name, after all, so why not this too?

Initially I was going to donate to either Toys for Tots or Elf Louise.  This thing at Walmart, though, turned out to be easier.

Like I said in my previous post, Psalm would be three months old Christmas Eve.  So we went to the baby toys to find something for her.  The older girls weren't that into it, but the youngest three kids were, especially Esther.

It didn't occur to me until just now that the two things we donated were emblematic of her two youngest siblings.

This is what Marie picked out, with my help.  (I offered her two choices, and this was the one she took.)  Owls first started being a big thing when I was pregnant with her, so she's got quite a few owl toys.  The odd thing is, I usually don't go for pink stuff, given I've got five girls, but this just got me.  I'm sure I would have actually bought it for her had she lived.

Doug picked this out.  He loves balls.  Ball was, in fact, his first word.  This is a little plastic ball with a smaller ball in it that I think has a bell inside. 

Naturally--and I should have expected this--though Doug was perfectly happy to toss the ball in the donation bin, he was not as happy when he realized he couldn't take it back out.  But he got over it quickly.

Esther and Marie.  I forgot that Esther had wanted to be the one to toss this toy in and told Marie she could, so they had to do it together.

The whole thing was rather more emotional than I expected.  Why don't I expect these emotions?  I'm not too good at this feelings stuff, it seems.  I wanted so very bad to have a baby girl to give that owl to.  And I don't.